Oh deer
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Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
GOP in 2008: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2012: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2016: Ok Hitler actually had some cool ideas
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!
My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
Deadpool was Green Lantern
Batman was Daredevil
Captain America was Human Torch
And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
[texting]
ME: I like you, I think you’re cute
MY CRUSH: oh um
ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that
🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”