Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
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My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
Jesus: this is my body
disciples: *eat bread*
Jesus: this is my blood
disciples: *drink wine*
Jesus: I also made brownies
Judas: but I have diabetes
Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this