Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.
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me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands
Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf
People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?