*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
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Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust