Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
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The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.
7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”
Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
Quadruple digit IQ
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
Does it…does it take 3 days
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back