Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”
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Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.
Tough love is true love
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.
It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
Still my favorite headline of all time:
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.