Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
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Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.