Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
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my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
I received a bank alert text for suspicious activity. I was buying fruit.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…![]()
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
Marrying a trad wife only to find out she is too busy creating trad wife content to cook and clean
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”
Varied parenting styles on full display when a mom asked a little girl what her favorite song was & she replies, “Jesus Loves Me,” and at my daughter’s turn, she comes back with “Taste Tequila”
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.