I received a bank alert text for suspicious activity. I was buying fruit.
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The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
who wore it better?
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*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then
I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
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I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]
Bruce: Viagra!
Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-
Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!
Dr: Ok
*Bruce Dies…Hard*
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
my dad when a sex scene comes on
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Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.