I received a bank alert text for suspicious activity. I was buying fruit.
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Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
because my kids are in public school, i have had several kids who identify as gay, trans, non-binary, etc in my home for various hang-outs
do you know what they all have in common?????????
eggos
they eat all my eggos
Every time
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
translated into Canadian
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN