I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
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Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.
Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.
Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!
*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.
Two out of three ain’t bad.
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄
Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
GOD: They scared enough?
ANGEL: Not yet
GOD: You got Trump running?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Hurricane?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered
DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight
The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness