“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
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*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
[runs into old friend]
FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..