Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.
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Maybe jesus needs me in his life
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome
*seductively corrects your posture*
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane
its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
Yes officer, I’d like to file a restraining order against my dentist’s appointment reminder system.
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.