My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.
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I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
Good morning.
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser