Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?
You Might Also Like
Bro what is this
Kid: Everything poops?
Me: Kinda
K: Trees don’t poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we’re breathing tree poop?
M:
K:
M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?
My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!
I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
so i’m at the stock market right
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.