(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.

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ME: tell me what you like

HER: I really get off on exhibitionism

ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool


guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine


i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys


I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red


You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.


He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.


My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.


For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.