(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
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Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore
Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.
History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened
History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened
History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen
History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
Netflix: We have Less
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad