“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
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Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
Everything reminds me of my ex
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience