Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
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*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
You Can Either Verify Whether This Inspirational Story Is True Or Share It Now And Reap The Precious Social Capital
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.