My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.
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My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
paddle faster i hear baby shark
Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.