paddle faster i hear baby shark
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2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
My kitchen overserved me.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
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Password expired
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Password expired
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Password ex…
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:
1) Know when to hold em.
2) Know when to fold em.
3) Know when to walk away.
4) Know when to run.