Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
You Might Also Like
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Me: Yep
Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile