How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
You Might Also Like
A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
this independent good boy don’t need no human
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out