Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
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Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
all that yoga finally paid off
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no