Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
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The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”
8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snackSnacks are ALWAYS the answer
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.
I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce
WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”