Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.![]()
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Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.
DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.
*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
New mom: any advice?
Mom 1: sleep when the baby sleeps
Mom 2: eat when the baby eats
Me (who has no children): check your email when the baby checks their email
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
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11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.