Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
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very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
I get distracted pretty eas
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there