Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
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*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
they should invent a rest for the wicked
selena gomez
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
Doctor: I have bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling
Me: whew, I thought I was dying-
Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering
Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead
Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day: