I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
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I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”
🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
How it started: How it’s going:
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
Rambo Rambow
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
They’re really bad with fonts.