[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
You Might Also Like
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.
He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”
I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!
My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.
I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.
#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness
Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
I never know how much to tip a cow.
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
[texting my wife from the barber]
WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME: