It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
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[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable pricesCons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler