ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
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The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane
I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”
Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.
Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.