ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
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Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.