In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
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every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
[at mechanic]
me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment
mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.
CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.