If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile
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I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.
Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.
5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:
•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”
#catsoftwitter
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.