I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
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We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.
8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?
Me: Is he the one with the PS4?
8: Yes.
Me: And motorized scooter?
8: Yes.
Me: And trampoline?
8: Can you drive me to his house?
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
doctor: whats the problem?
me: my right leg is missing
doctor: no problemo
me:
doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg
me: my left leg is missing now
doctor: no problemo
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this