I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
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my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
Just this preview of the story is enough
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones
There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”
*making screwdrivers*
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath
A couple who are silly together stay together.
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.