It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
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I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.
13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
Reasons people get divorced:
-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy
I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.