The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
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Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
who called it hell and not heaven’t
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉
My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER
Me: yeah ;(
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.