me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
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stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
Lube but for my dry humor.
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”