customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
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Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Also my husband:
Me: *clears throat*
Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.