BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
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9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding