Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
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[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.
Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”