[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
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[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.
*pogo stick inventor* I got you.
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.