No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
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It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
Animal poetry
*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”