No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
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Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
Every full moon my house turns into a storage facility. It’s a werehouse.
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.