No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
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Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
6: Mom will you play with me?
Me: Sure buddy
6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
Top Four Signs of Job Security:
4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss
want me to check your oil?
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.
Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)PRINT
Printer)No
Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”
I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”
What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?
Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.