I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
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At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.