Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
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I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.
[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek