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Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess
Droid: What about the other baby?
Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.