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I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
They’re the worst 😩
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.