A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
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One cake enters. No cake leaves.
Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.