My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
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wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again
My work here is done
I pray every night that I never become religious…
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)