Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
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I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY
BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]
simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!
nala:
simba:
nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
This is I, Robot all over again
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
if a cop pulls u over play dead
11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.