Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
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kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.
ME: (to my heist crew) let’s ditch our getaway car in this pond
(puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater)
ME: ok now….wait what’s that splashing
(Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going)
NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu
Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy
Judge: what’s upsexy?
[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
I camp so other people don’t have to.
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.