Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
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Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
Cake safety first. Always.
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
Jesus: No one pours old wine into new wineskins…
Home DIY YouTuber: SURE YA CAN, HERE’S HOW TO DO IT RIGHT AT HOME IN FIVE EASY STEPS! ALSO, DON’T FORGET TO SMASH THAT LIKE BUTTON AND BE SURE TO SUBSCR
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.