Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
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[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
💯😂
Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?
Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream
wife: what did he say?
me: he kept laughing at me
Me: *trying to take a shower*
My brain: SPICE DWARVES
Me: No
Brain: Sleepy, Happy, Scary, Ginger, Sneezy, Baby and Posh
Me: Why
Brain: 🎶if you wanna be my lover, you gotta do all my chores
Me: Nobody cares about the Spice Girls anymore, what is wrong with you
Brain: 🎶Hi HOOOOOO
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group