@dshack8 My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
@JoshuaTurek Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
You Might Also Like
@dshack8 
@mompsychologist I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.
@JaymayAllDay When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
@hythemafia Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
@CrockettForReal If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
@breakfastbeerz Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
@BetteMidler Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
@ehdannyboy People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
@DaddyJew Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
@Chyld I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”