@JoshuaTurek

Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president

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@dshack8

My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.

@mompsychologist

I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.

@JaymayAllDay

When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?

@hythemafia

Knock knock

“Who’s there?”

“Dejav”

“Dejav who?”

Knock knock

@CrockettForReal

If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently

@breakfastbeerz

Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”

@BetteMidler

Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!

@ehdannyboy

People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.

@DaddyJew

Interviewer: what interests you about this job?

Me: the pay

Interviewer: can you be more specific?

Me: cash

@Chyld

I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”