Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
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If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
Is fructose made with real fruct?
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.