Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
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Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”
-the new GPS app from Allrecipes
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!